Does It Not Scare You?

By Pennystar

Im scared.?Does it not scare you too?
That when I think of us,?the moments that once felt like galaxies blooming between our fingers—?all I can remember now? is the pounding of our hearts like war drums,?the silence of that drive to the hospital,?the fear in your eyes that mirrored mine,?the regrets we swallowed like poison,?the sharp stones biting our feet,?the cold mouth of the gun pressed against our temples,?the railway tracks humming like an omen,?the darkness that swallowed us whole.
Does it not scare you??Because it terrifies me.
That we don’t think about?the long drives where time forgot to tick,?the hours we shared like secrets whispered to the stars,?the mountain trails where we climbed into each other’s souls,?the river that held us when the world wouldn’t,?the speeding ticket we laughed about for days,?our awkward first date,?the compliment from the waitress who said we looked meant to be,?the shitty sex that somehow still felt like love,?those chaotic driving lessons,?the way you once looked at me like I was sunrise.
But now,?when I think of you—?all I feel is pain and regret.?And God, I wish I could rewrite it.
You once said,?"We can’t change what happened—we just have to live with it."?But you left me with a scar so wide, I could fall into it.?A wound that sings your name every time I try to breathe.
Sometimes,?I wish I’d never given you my number.?Maybe then this story would never have been written.?Even though I don’t want to say it—?deep down, in the silent chambers of my heart,?I kind of blame you.
But my mind??It tells me I don’t have the right.?So now I’m angry.?And I don’t know who to blame.
I’m trying so hard to be me again,?but the more I try,?the more I vanish—?like fog when the sun forgets to rise.
You have no idea?how many times I’ve buried my face into my pillow,?begging the air to stop coming,?praying my breath would just give up.
It’s hard.?I can’t even remember the last time?I felt joy without borrowing it from a memory.
You told me,?"Time doesn’t wait for a man."?I believed you.?I held your words like a bible.?But when does time heal me??When does it come to stitch the scar you left behind?
I’m so angry.?My pillow has learned the shape of my pain—?it holds the map of my tears like it’s memorizing the globe of my sorrow.
I miss myself.?I miss the version of me?that didn’t know what it felt like to break quietly.